Thursday, April 21, 2005

Introducing the Papal Critique-O-Matic 3000(tm)!

I hesitate to reveal a work in progress, but having been sickened by the know-it-all punditry, I've written a web-page that automatically composes short papal critiques that are just as factual and seventy-thousand nine hundred and two times more insightful than the religiously illiterate op-eds to which readers have been subject, especially since the conclave began. Behold, the Papal Critique-O-Matic!

Here is a sample of its superlative composition and analytical skills:

With the recent election of Pope Benedict XVI, formerly known as the kindly, shy Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, the question foremost in the minds of the faithful is: in which direction will he lead the Catholic Church?
The libertine writer Dan Brown made an incoherent attack upon the Catholic Church's ignorance of the lame ideas of 1970s hipsters.

(insert some quote from Andrew 'Randy Andy' Sullivan)

One of the most pressing problems of world religions today is whether Catholicism can change to meet the demands of the Jesus Seminar, or fade into further irrelevancy. Only psychic stock-picking chickens will be able to judge if this papacy is a success.

I believe the Papal Critique-O-Matic is destined for greatness. As the supercomputer Deep Blue destroyed the lucrative and sybaritic careers of chess grandmasters across the globe, so too will my invention render redundant those unqualified journalists who pontificate on maters ecclesial and opinionators whose knowledge of Catholicism begins with "The Exorcist" and ends with "Dogma." The function of internet comment trolls, the very creations of Satan, King of the Losers Himself, will also be rendered obsolete, and we readers shall save so much time, server cycles, and bandwith that could be spent on better things, like reading and discussing articles and arguments by people who have some idea of what they are talking about.

The Critique-O-Matic requires a browser that supports Javascript. Hit refresh to see a new, entirely and completely original papal critique of the highest quality. Though I doubt it will be necessary, please make any suggestions for improvement, such as additional sentences and/or lists of adjectives, names, and opinions which will further refine the already advanced heuristics of my program. View the page source to see the current arrays of critique content options

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